Letting go

I have tried to create plans, think ahead, anticipate what needs to happen. All of my plans have fallen apart. It is extremely difficult for me to understand that my plans will not fix this thing called gall bladder cancer. How long will he be in the hospital? As long as it takes.  When will he feel like eating? When he does. How long until the pain improves? When it does. All these questions have no certain answers. It is the uncertainty that is bothersome to me. Learning to live with only what you can see today. It is drawing on my faith to believe that what I need will show up when I need it. That I don’t have to have the answers because there are no solid answers. I am getting better at focusing on just today. When I do that I feel calmer. If I try to plan and make things work too far out, I can feel myself spinning out of control. I have labeled that feeling of spinning with no results: falling down the rabbit hole. It helps me to give these feelings a name, so I recognize the signs of trying to control things that are not under my control. Letting go of that need to control  the outcomes. Tough lesson for a planner like me. It has been getting easier. Letting go of expectations. Letting go of outcomes. Letting go of certainty. Letting go has made my life easier , simplier. It has helped me to give up trying to do everything and focus on small things that I can do. I can sit in a hospital room and knit. I can be there on my ipad without expecting conversation. It is grounding for me to spend time there even when not much seems to be happening. It is also OK for me to leave and go swim or walk or just take a break. I am starting to realize this process of dealing with cancer is a long journey. That to me means that doing normal things and taking care of myself is a big part of being able to show up day after day and week after week.

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