By now I have realized there are many other people in my situation. Just by talking with my own circle of friends we have found out who else has cancer in the house. I tend to be a private person. I have many friends only a few close intimate friends. I prefer not to shout out by feelings or go into details about what is going well or not so great in my life.
I struggle with is cancer my story to tell? No it is Lee’s story to tell. My story is about how I choose to be the caregiver support person who shows up for him. Will I be able to support him if he deciedes not to choose chemo? I hope so. I strive to put myself in his shoes, how would I want to be treated, what would help me have normal days. I do not tell him what to do or how to do things.
I am good at asking. I am aware of offering assistance without presuming that he needs help. I have stopped myself from hovering. He is back to taking his own phone calls.
I am getting better at telling friends what I need or sharing how I am really doing. In the early days if you asked me how I was doing, the likely response was me bursting into tears.
I am reading about self compassion, testing a new personal mantra. I am loved, I am loveable. It doesn’t matter why it seems difficult for me to accept caring, loving gestures from others. I trust that thoughts, prayers and support from others helps me feel like I am not alone. I am grateful for our community of support and feel that it includes both of us in different ways.