Why I ran away from kind and caring people

 

IMG_2258I ran away from home at the age of 62. I ran away because my emotions were too sharp and too real to manage among very kind caring people. Kind caring people who kept asking me, ” How are you?” I could not answer truthfully and did not know how to avoid thinking about how I was really feeling. All of that was too public for me to talk about or discuss at the grocery store.

I had too much emotional distress to be out in the open with other people. I did not want to stuff my feelings away. I did not want to cry every day at the grocery store. I did not want to be the person comforting others when they first learned about Lee’s death.

I ran away from my home in Colorado and back to my family roots in New Jersey.

Here for the first time, I was grateful that my family does not talk about or dwell on feelings and emotions. It was enough that I was present and could be included in a family gathering. Food is always involved and lots of it. My family were raised on farms, used to accepting what nature intends to happen and the normal cycle of birth and death.

I ran away from home to reframe my thoughts and give me the space to process grief on my terms in a different yet comforting familiar place. I found a return to the roots of living with the land comfortable.  I found there are kind and caring people where ever you go. I just needed to feel free to interact with people at my own pace. I am a natural introvert and do not share feelings easily. My first need was to understand and accept my own feelings of grief.
I am now feeling able to return to a blog. I have changed my focus from cancer care giver to love, death and grief: Now What? I appreciate the ability to share my thoughts and feelings with this blog as my journey continues into this next cycle of life transition.

lovedeathgrief.wordpress.com    moving to new blog site

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